A Heart Full of Love

One year ago, and almost to the day we were standing on the precipice of what could be. We never knew, we never dreamed, never even wandered past our shallow pool of friendship that grew those two weeks. I was sleepwalking through my life, stirring softly, then waking abruptly at the bedrock beneath what I thought was right. I was faced with decisions. These decisions I knew would change my world, but I had no idea how much. I knew where I wanted to go and who i wanted to be but I had no idea it would lead to being your mom. 

I left the life that I was taught was the only right path for me, I stepped outside the cookie cutter placed on me and got a little jagged in the process. Those Jagged pieces fit right into your dads life in a way I never thought possible; those jagged pieces made YOU possible. You see, we had been friends before all this. I saw him change his life struggling to keep the smile on his face while making sure everyone else’s smile remained intact. It was this attitude that caused me to turn to him when my world came crashing down around me. It was this attitude that ensured me that everything would be ok as the pieces began to fall. 

As my reality fell down, we began to build a new world. With the thinnest foundation and heads full of dreams, reality struck when we found out about you. After just a short time together, we already knew, it was like breathing. Effortless, thoughtless, undening that we were going to be the best team that we could be for you, for us, for our eminently growing family. We saw our dreams coming true in eachother’s eyes, and through each picture we got of you along the way. 

And now, a year from that day we pulled truck at 5am, we pull you from your crib reveling in your perfection. I changed my story and not only found the love of my life, but found more love in life than I even knew existed. So as I stare into your scrunched face and your wiggling arms I don’t regret a single tear I shed, doubt I had, or heartbreak I had to experience. All these things, all this pain, led me to the two of you. And I have never been so happy in my entire life.

Descending into happiness

     With stormy eyes and battle scars she embarked on a new journey. The pain had passed and the new normal had begun to set in the moment she walked away. Aching came in flashbacks as she remembered the weather, the smells, and the sadness she felt on days that came and went, but remembered the love with fondness, the hate with bitter regret, and the acceptance with passion to never let herself go down that road once again. Once again, strutting the path she only meant to follow, yet again strengthening her resolve for self respect. Respect that was never given, only promised vainly with no action. Actions with lack of passion to follow their trail. Trailing to find the way out of this existence. Existence without love to push you forward, have your back, and fulfill the bond promised years ago. 

Years ago I let you love me but to no avail. Availing to build the walls destroyed over time. Over time she continues to bound on her new journey knowing not of the love and adventure she might find, the goals she will crush the dreams she will pursue. Pursuing a life with no limits.  There are no limits as she descends into a life that is hers, and hers alone.

“Look closely at the Present you are constructing, it should look like the future you are dreaming.”

-Alice Walker-

Quiet Moments

The soft powder catches my eyelashes as my boots sink through the little patch of snow outside his apartment. Entering the door I drag my feet drying them before I get to his door. I use my key and enter the serenity. Breathing in his earthy scent, my worries fall away. I remove my boots and put my things down in the spot I’ve claimed. Curling up on the couch, soft mews make its way to me curling in the seat beside me kindly asking for attention. I find my notebook left on his end table with a pen neatly tucked away. Pausing, I close my eyes, unable to even begin to find the words to explain or even express the way I feel or the things that have happened over the course of a week. I inhale and hold followed shortly by the exhale letting the weight and tears fall simultaneously. I wipe them from my cheeks, holding my head somehow higher realizing that I don’t need to explain. I hear his keys jingle outside and my heart leaps. Suddenly I find my inspiration I begin to jot:

“ I wonder if he knows I wipe the tears away not for his sake but because of the happiness he brings me.

I wonder if he knows the safety he makes me feel amid the anxiety that surrounds my heart. 

I wonder if he knows he’s given me the greatest gift i could have never asked for–the ability to be myself unconditionally. 

I wonder if he knows how I admire him most ardently.  

I wonder if he knows…he’s everything I never knew I always wanted.”

He exits the shower, and I smile just having finished. He pryingly asks what I was writing with a smirk that makes me grin. I tell him it’s none of his business and think about finally taking that notebook home with me. But as I go to leave, sinking into his lips one more time, I have no doubt that it’s time for him to know. Know that I’m falling in love. 

I Choose Me

Returning from vacation with a new last name and shiny ring to match, I saw him staking water on the back of my display. He did nothing to acknowledge me, not even a curt smile, I felt no need to return, yet I always returned to him. I don’t recall formally meeting him, I couldn’t tell you what our first conversation was but he saw through me in a way no one else could, and that scared me. As our friendship grew the trials in our lives shook us, changing everything we ever knew about ourselves. He compared me to others and I teased in ways I knew, we remained light, pithy, and awe fully resigned to the attraction that might flow in the undercurrent of our professional relationship. I could always Turn to him with questions and confessions finding comfort in his friendship on a daily basis. 

Our relationship began to change so subtly I hardly noticed. He was glued to my side at times, simply lending a hand when I needed it most, lending an ear when no one would listen, listening to his laughter intermingled in conversation. Subtly oh so subtly, our love began to bloom in the most unexpected ways. When my life felt like it was spread on the ground broken beyond repair he was there to show me that I was not broken, my relationship was and you can’t revive a corpse. And so we continued digging deeper into our roots planting seeds of affection as we blindly grew together. 

 

Privileged with knowing him unlike ones before, our affection grew through nights without sleep while forgetting to eat amidst the emotions we couldn’t quite understand. We spent every moment asking questions and speaking of subjects I could never recall. It all came spilling out when I admitted to wanting to kiss his cheek. Never attending to his words as he expressed his affection–i couldn’t control the way my breath caught when he was around, or how my heart would quicken. I would toss around in bed every night fantasizing his lips firmly planted on mine. I would picture his skill as the knot in my stomach grew. 

 

Finally I agreed to meet him. Years had past since I felt the amount of excitement and trepidation I felt as I pulled in next to his jeep. I hopped inside trying my best to hide my nerves. He stared at me sitting right across from me his eyes bright and his smile melting my heart. “Kiss me” He says. My heart races and i hear nothing but its wild beating. I know that this might change everything. I know this will change my life and he has no idea. For him it was just a kiss. In my heart i knew, it would change my life because i was finally choosing me. 

 

Soft and subtle, the earthy notes transferred from his tongue to mine as we lost track of whose lips were whose. Softly sucking, sweetly pulling away and losing all sense of breathing in the moment I will never forget. I was lost, so lost in him.  

I Never thought twice returning to him as i laid my new last name and shiny ring behind me, knowing full well the chains were heavier than what i could bare alone. I chose me when i kissed him and I will choose me again as I walk through this life beside him always returning to him, and him alone. 

Vision of the Future

Through the blistering heat, bountiful harvest, bitterest winters, and long awaited spring–I envision it all, right in front of me. I inhale the sweet country air, and take a step into my future trudging along in a deserted field. The Midwest seemingly sprawled under my favorite pair of boots, as i stroll with my old girl following the path we have wandered since she was a pup.

“I will not fail, I will not fall. I will get back up, and I will carry on.” I scribble in my notebook “Even stronger than before” I say aloud, feeling the vapor of my words melt in the silence of the world around me freeing my overwhelming thoughts if only for a moment. I make my way to the back porch of our little home, and open the door assaulted with the smell of bacon and the squeals of my little girl coming to greet me.

“What are you doing up so early?” I ask as she wraps herself around my leg.

“Daddy wanted to make you breakfast. He let me crack the eggs!” Her giggles fill the house as I remove my muddy boots, and watch her joyfully snatch the plate from the counter and bring it to my eager hands. I place the plate on the table, grab her in my arms and rush to kiss the cook.

“You know you don’t have to make breakfast every Saturday” I remark between kisses and the little one’s gags at our affection. He smiles and kisses her forehead.

“ I know, but you’re home this morning, I have to take advantage of every minute I get.” He replies while popping a piece of bacon in his mouth and shoving one in mine.

I grin as I chew feeling guilty for the news i have to break

“ About that.” He gives me a look of disappointment.

“You have to go into the store?” He guesses correctly.

“Would you two like to come with me?” I ask hesitantly.

“What do you think, honey? You want to go on an adventure to the store?” He questions.

“Do I get to sit in Mama’s chair?!” She exclaims.

Laughing, I reply, “I think I could arrange that.”

We pile into the car making our way to the store. Looking from my window I lose my thoughts knowing my happiness right here with me. Then I realize through the blistering heat, bountiful harvest, bitterest winters, and long awaited spring, I will continue to work, I will continue on this path, with my biggest fans cheering me on every step of the way.

Sunrise

I placed my head on the railing, willing the tears not to fall, but to no avail. My strength was crumbling, my resolve was vanishing, and my heart was turning to stone. The Vague whisper from years ago saying that I don’t deserve this, screaming in my mind as I inhale, changing my resistance. I stood tall once more knowing full well it was my time to fight, my time to stand for what I never thought I could have, Freedom.

But then you. Walking through the door shocking my numb heart with your grin, it began to beat again, but to a different tune. When I thought that my genuine smile had escaped my capabilities you managed to bring it back. When I thought my uncontrolled laughter had died in my throat, it escaped me when I least expected it. I thought I had reached my peak, but the view from your eyes has captured me and left me without a breath. The world is mine to capture, sitting with you driving down a small town road. The insignificance I thought I was escaping as the miles disappear behind us. 

You have become my sunrise at the end of the longest night.

Phantom Pain

Icy droplets kiss my face and cut through my thin jacket as I emerge from my toasty vehicle. I know its a once in my lifetime opportunity, no wonder my hands wont stop shaking and i can’t seem to catch my breath. I pause under the restaurants overhang and light a cigarette. I let the sweet smoke curl around my taste buds and calm my spirits as I inhale, letting my fear escape with every exhale.  I open the door and search the tables looking for them. Asking the hostess at the door for the two gentlemen im meeting, and that’s when I see them. They haven’t aged a day and i wonder if they’ll know who i am. A waitress leads me to the corner booth. As i sit down I take off my damp jacket and order a cup of coffee.

I look at them, sitting right across from me, the two men I have wanted most to meet my entire life, the ones I have merely heard stories about from two very different perspectives. I take in the moment as my coffee is poured. I take a sip of the scalding liquid and let out a sigh. I comment on the coffee being weak and they chuckle at my response. I ask them endless questions and try to learn about them, getting as much information as possible, not wanting to miss a single moment. My anxieties fall away as i smoke with them laughing at countless stories, life lessons, and opinions. I learn im a lot like them. Tears start to well up as I feel that my brief amount of time is almost at an end. I have to let go. I know I do, but I don’t want it. The window into their lives opening right before me, only to be slammed shut with my fingers still inside. I never guessed how much this would hurt.

“ You all right darlin’?’ one asks.

I blink my eyes wildly as if to stop the tears, but one falls. I look him in the eye.

“ I have one last question.” I pause. Look at them both. “Do you know who I am?”

A smile spreads across the lips of one as he replies. “Sweetheart, I’ve known who you were since the moment you walked in here.”

“ Is it really that obvious?”

He smiles, absently shaking his head with a sad smile.

“There’s no one else you could be. It just breaks my heart to see you here.”

I feel the blood drain from my face. What could that possibly mean? See me across the table from them? Wanting to know who they are, well, who they were.

      “ Do you remember how you got here?” One asks with a concerned expression.

I think for a moment studying the back of my hand. I recall getting out of my car, but i dont remember driving, or what route I took from home. I know exactly where I am, I could name the street. I feel the tears once more as disorientation takes over. I glance up from my coffee, and see their concern.

I lie my head back on the bench as I try to recall the events from my day. My alarm went off, I made coffee, got myself ready for the day and kissed my husband before I left, but where did i go, and why don’t I remember arriving?

One of the men reaches for my hand. I hold it and feel comfort in his grasp. He sighs and tears glisten in his eyes.

“It’s all right. Take as long as you need. We have an eternity.”

Reminiscence

I close my eyes. Letting the stress of the world roll of my body and out of my lungs as I exhale. I feel the bitter wind chill my face entering my nose through the inhale that follows. I open my eyes after a lengthy time, seeing the sun setting colorfully on the reflection of the lake before me. I feel the sting of tears burning my eyes. Not wanting to let them fall, I blink wildly, yet they still do. I sit on the dock thinking of all the things that I have happened since the time I last saw this place. My heart wrenches at the thought of all the moments transpired around this wonderful place. The kisses, the miles walked trying to sort out my life. Oh, how I have missed the clarity given by the water. I could use some of that now, as I face all the troubles caused all by me. I remember the crimes committed, not far from where I sit now, and I don’t regret a thing. I don’t regret a single mistake, a single drive, step, or run, alone or beside the people I care about. I look to the sky remembering the way the stars shown the night I got to know him, baffled by the way I see him now. It’s hard to believe he’s the same man I got to walk though these woods with in secret.

I decide to pioneer the trails one last time before I go. I walk along the tree line reminiscing of the nights we ran and hid through the games, the sunsets we shared hand in hand, and the days the rain and tears fell as I walked alone unsure of everything. I reach the clearing where the trail diverges, deciding to walk awhile longer I took the thinner path knowing exactly where it leads. I walk along knowing the path take was one I have only traveled alone. It’s mine, and I am its. The wind ceases to tassel my hair as I walk along the lonely road to where I made the most important step. I get to the tall grass, and as I look over the long expanse before me, I see the spot I wrote the letters. Attempting to fix things, only to find out the lies that I thought were true. I wipe away the tears, and continue.

This place changed everything that I was, and made me what I am today. Unintentionally preparing me for the next step in life. Although it was but a short time I spent here, it will stick with me perhaps forever, as the place that changed me when I wanted anything but, when I wanted nothing more than an education, it changed my whole world.

I open my eyes. Seeing the back of my work place, the memory comforting me and carrying me forward.

Cold Embers

Under the still icy surface, lies an ocean. It courses and turns, daring any who enter to know there is no chance for survival. I ignore my pulsing fears and delve beyond the surface, seeking answers to the questions that my brain no longer contains knowing the solace I will find just as the water envelopes me. The ocean asks questions just as they pulse through my brain. Encouraging the overwhelming thoughts of who’s, and what’s, why’s, and what if’s. Why’s from my childhood pull at my consciousness as I feel the current pull me deeper.  Deeper into the unknown as my heart throbs in my chest and tears sting at the corner of my eyes, replaying memories of the past. Love far more than I ever imagine. Anger deep and rooted through the thin line where love mingled with rage, jealousy with revenge. Why must I love? Why must I hurt? Why must I remember? What if what I want is riddled with emotion, thus corrupted? What if I could just let go. Let go of hate, love, hurt, and heart. Let go of all emotion that threatens to break the surface. Let go of the heart that once hurt, but now is whole. Oh! But if I could only reach the depth or the breadth of this embodiment maybe I could find the answer to it all. I notice the nothing I feel as my body has risen to the surface. My nose taps the ice and I open my eyes. I swipe my hand across the smooth surface only to see myself staring down. I pound on the glass and feel panic raising within. Other me looks down, only to take steps further down her path. I pound feverishly, but to no avail. I continue to float, lost in a sea of emotion.

Farewell

I stretch out my fingers to the seat beneath me, trying to take my mind from the current situation. People around me crying, all ones whose hearts she has touched. All the hearts she did touch. Past tense. It’s easy to forget, that she’s gone now. I feel the tears start to well, but I know that this is not what she would want. I blink a few times and my ears flash with the heat of all staring for me to make my move. They’re calling me to the front, and I realize that it’s my turn. I gather my breath, and stand before far too many than she would have wanted. I look out at them all, and down to the notes I wrote a few weeks ago, and memories we accumulated over a life time. I silence my sadness for the time being, and decide to start with a college story to lighten the mood. I look up with a smirk, and begin.

“She wasn’t the most graceful person. In the winter months at school, she would slip on the ice and yell ‘Jesus!’ shortly followed with, ‘Marry and Joseph’ or simply sing ‘…loves you!'”The audience chuckles. “She wasn’t the kindest person. Vividly I remember her slamming the door as she entered my dorm room ranting and raving about her make up looking like a train wreck before her performance in an adaptation to Alice in wonderland.”

I start laughing, and I cant stop. I realize I look like a lunatic, so I look to the crowd.

“Oh! If you could have seen her face, you too would be laughing.” They join me, but only for a short while.

I gather myself. “You know we weren’t always such great friends. Yeah, I knew her since we were in the nursery at Westwood heights, but I didn’t truly know her until we went to college together. I remember playing as children and spending nights at each other’s houses. I remember fighting, and slapping her that one time which she never let go! I also remember when she stopped coming to church. I wondered where she was, if she was doing well. Every year her birthday would roll around (as everyone’s does whether we like it or not), and I called her. She didn’t pick up so I left her a voicemail. Just wishing her a happy birthday. Years past and I didn’t see her but a few times a year. However, every year I would call her on her birthday. I didn’t know where she was, or how she would celebrate, but I wished her well because she was on my mind. We reconnected our senior year, and let me tell you we didn’t get along. She was always better than I was. At school I had to work so hard, when everything just came easily to her. She could talk to people, but for me it took a carefully thought out process. Then we went to college. After what seemed like ten minutes she was friends with everyone. She knew names and faces, a feat which took me almost six months to accomplish. In this long story there were shenanigans, learning moments, and personally my darkest time. But she was there. With words I didn’t want to hear, but words that I needed to hear. In all this, she helped me grow. She helped me change my entire life, and she gave me the courage to make it happen.”

I pause. I can feel the tears start streaming down my face. My only thought is that she wouldn’t have wanted this. I dry my tears.

‘So this one time. We were both in Greenville, long story, and we were driving. Well the roads there have a lot more curves than the ones in Nebraska. So I’m being stupid and trying to snapchat and drive, and I’m looking more at my phone than the road, not my smartest decision. The road starts to curve and I don’t. So instead of saying ‘Hey pay attention’ Or ‘look at the road’ she screams. So I look up, and I scream. I over correct my car and am forced to then over correct again sending us back on the correct path. In that moment I didn’t know whether to laugh or pee my pants, so we laugh. We laughed so hard that tears streamed from our faces.”

The audience is in an uproar with the laughter of our stupidity.

“Our last fall together, was by far the hardest time with her. I never let it show, but my worry was overwhelming. I worked crazy hours, but every moment I got I was with her. We would get food, and watch friends. We would talk about life and of course we would talk about boys. We got closer still sitting in her tiny bedroom, reminiscing of when we used to be fun as she struggled to even climb the stairs.

She may not have been the most graceful, in saying goodbye as she awkwardly shook my hand. She may not have been the most kind, in leaving me so soon, so early in life. I looked forward to the day when she could stand by my side as I pledged my life to man I love. I looked forward to the phone call for when she found the man she thought she wasn’t worthy of, instead of the one not worthy of her. I looked forward to the day of her graduation for her doctorates in this, that, or the other thing. But most importantly I looked forward to growing old, and having nursing home shenanigans, like we always planned. It truly is a beautiful pain to remember all the good times, to remember all the road trips and the flying weenie we saw. Her pictures of Penis’ will remain on all my school notes. Words kind or blunt will forever be remembered, and I will spend every last day of mine, wishing I had one more with her.”

I wake from my dream, with cheeks still damp from the horror that had just transpired. I look at my phone, and realize the date. I immediately swipe to call her, it’s her birthday.