I Choose Me

Returning from vacation with a new last name and shiny ring to match, I saw him staking water on the back of my display. He did nothing to acknowledge me, not even a curt smile, I felt no need to return, yet I always returned to him. I don’t recall formally meeting him, I couldn’t tell you what our first conversation was but he saw through me in a way no one else could, and that scared me. As our friendship grew the trials in our lives shook us, changing everything we ever knew about ourselves. He compared me to others and I teased in ways I knew, we remained light, pithy, and awe fully resigned to the attraction that might flow in the undercurrent of our professional relationship. I could always Turn to him with questions and confessions finding comfort in his friendship on a daily basis. 

Our relationship began to change so subtly I hardly noticed. He was glued to my side at times, simply lending a hand when I needed it most, lending an ear when no one would listen, listening to his laughter intermingled in conversation. Subtly oh so subtly, our love began to bloom in the most unexpected ways. When my life felt like it was spread on the ground broken beyond repair he was there to show me that I was not broken, my relationship was and you can’t revive a corpse. And so we continued digging deeper into our roots planting seeds of affection as we blindly grew together. 

 

Privileged with knowing him unlike ones before, our affection grew through nights without sleep while forgetting to eat amidst the emotions we couldn’t quite understand. We spent every moment asking questions and speaking of subjects I could never recall. It all came spilling out when I admitted to wanting to kiss his cheek. Never attending to his words as he expressed his affection–i couldn’t control the way my breath caught when he was around, or how my heart would quicken. I would toss around in bed every night fantasizing his lips firmly planted on mine. I would picture his skill as the knot in my stomach grew. 

 

Finally I agreed to meet him. Years had past since I felt the amount of excitement and trepidation I felt as I pulled in next to his jeep. I hopped inside trying my best to hide my nerves. He stared at me sitting right across from me his eyes bright and his smile melting my heart. “Kiss me” He says. My heart races and i hear nothing but its wild beating. I know that this might change everything. I know this will change my life and he has no idea. For him it was just a kiss. In my heart i knew, it would change my life because i was finally choosing me. 

 

Soft and subtle, the earthy notes transferred from his tongue to mine as we lost track of whose lips were whose. Softly sucking, sweetly pulling away and losing all sense of breathing in the moment I will never forget. I was lost, so lost in him.  

I Never thought twice returning to him as i laid my new last name and shiny ring behind me, knowing full well the chains were heavier than what i could bare alone. I chose me when i kissed him and I will choose me again as I walk through this life beside him always returning to him, and him alone. 

Descending into happiness

     With stormy eyes and battle scars she embarked on a new journey. The pain had passed and the new normal had begun to set in the moment she walked away. Aching came in flashbacks as she remembered the weather, the smells, and the sadness she felt on days that came and went, but remembered the love with fondness, the hate with bitter regret, and the acceptance with passion to never let herself go down that road once again. Once again, strutting the path she only meant to follow, yet again strengthening her resolve for self respect. Respect that was never given, only promised vainly with no action. Actions with lack of passion to follow their trail. Trailing to find the way out of this existence. Existence without love to push you forward, have your back, and fulfill the bond promised years ago. 

Years ago I let you love me but to no avail. Availing to build the walls destroyed over time. Over time she continues to bound on her new journey knowing not of the love and adventure she might find, the goals she will crush the dreams she will pursue. Pursuing a life with no limits.  There are no limits as she descends into a life that is hers, and hers alone.

“Look closely at the Present you are constructing, it should look like the future you are dreaming.”

-Alice Walker-

Breathe Me

Down the path I have tread many times. Down the hill, as music plays reminding me to breathe.

Breathe me

I take in a deep breath.

I try not to make a sound as I follow the path I always take. I stand on the doc wild and free.

Breathe me

I take my head phones off for a while and muse to myself. I laugh a bit while trying to figure out my own thoughts.

Breathe me.

Tension released in my core, but only for a second.

Breathe me.

I replace the music in my ears, and walk further unable to stand still.

Breathe me.

I want to run. I want to hide. I want to be exposed in all ways, so maybe someone might know me.

Breathe me.

The trees have long since lost their leaves and the snow covers the ground crunching under every foot fall.

Breathe me.

The cold sinks to my bones, chilling every part of me, yet fueling my fire to walk, to write, to create things that have never been created.

Breathe me.

Seeking to be known in a place all alone.

The Different.

The car pulls up to a nameless building as I sink down into my hoodie deeper. My mom parks the car, and I sit as if I don’t notice. She sighs, and looks at me.

“You know you have to do this.” She reminds me.

I reach for the door, while saying “I know.” I quickly exit the car and head for the entrance. I shove my nerves down and enter with confidence. They have no reason to see me down. I follow the signs and enter the room. It looks exactly how you might imagine. A circle of chairs filled with people. One girl whose shoes are amazing! I like that kid’s haircut, but my mom would never let me. Sorry, distracted. I find a good place and a lady who looks like she’s in charge looks at me a smiles.

“All right, now that we are all here, let’s get started gang.” She announces obviously too cheery.

We all stare blankly at her. Then she begins again, “Okay then.” She looks at me.

Oh no. please do not direct the attention to me. Not me.  I shrink in my chair.

She looks down at her clip board then back at me. “Would you like to stand and tell us your name, and why you are here. “

I look at her, and blatantly say, “No.” everyone looks at me alarmed, and I can tell that she is not amused. So I stand.

“HI.” I begin with that odd side-hand wave. Why did I do that? I shake my head. “I’m Aiden, and I’m addicted to music.” I feel the need to explain myself further. “It’s just, that every time I put my earbuds in, it’s amazing. With the volume loud and the lyrics to my favorite songs, I could listen for hours on end. The music is inspiring to go out and do something with your life, to be different, and stand up for good.”

The instructor clears her throat. “All right. That’s enough. Moving on to—“

She continues but I stop listening. Why are they all so afraid to stand up and be someone? It’s not hard to live life outside the box. She talks about how being different is not acceptable, how we are to strive to simply be one piece of the whole seeking for the betterment of our community, and how our addictions are very real, but they must be vanquished. The more she talks the angrier I get. When I cannot stand her speech any longer I stand. Fists clenched as if ready to take on the world single handedly.

“How can you say this? Being different is just as important as being normal. Society needs both of these extremes to function. These things that we struggle with are not “addictions” they are simply things that we enjoy, things that inspire us, things that make us better as people because we find things besides our work that we love. Sometimes I wake up every morning happy and ready for life simply because my favorite song began to play. This music is my life, these people are my people, and I will stand against anyone who begs to differ. Why be Normal, when you could be weird?”

Absent Nightmares

You walked with me on a sidewalk. Brown dirt was on each side of us, nothing growing. When suddenly I look at you and smile, you throw a seed over your shoulder into this dirt. The image is brought forth into my mind. Watching this seed grow into vines that spread across the rich earth in which it was planted, the beautiful green in contrast with the world around it.

I find myself in a green wood filled with moss and beautiful large trees. You are no longer beside me as I hear thunder crack and the trees swaying violently. I begin to run until I find the largest tree in middle of the wood. I calm my spirit and wander around this tree. I see something off when I notice a boarded suspended among the branches. I become horrified when I see a girl on this board, blood seeping through her white gown. She looks familiar, but I am unable to place her in my memory. My breath becomes panicked as I begin to miss my companion. Running back in the direction I came, I am unable to find my way. I run, I run, I run, unable to escape.