Left Me Hanging

I know this time in life is difficult. There is no way to understate the level in which it is just that fucked up. But here we are. And I have a few things I need to tell you.

1. Honesty is easily The single most important thing in a relationship. I mean. If you can’t trust the person you have committed yourself to for the rest of life, who can you trust? And the worst thing about it, is gaining someone’s trust back, once you’ve lost it. Because it takes time and so much consistent effort it makes you realize that the moment of dishonesty is just not worth it.
2. We all have a lot of decisions to make. That’s how life is. And sometimes we simply just have to choose what’s right for us, and hope that the ones that love us are ok with it. I mean, it’d be great to just let our parents take care of it for us, but then it doesn’t give us the experience to deduct what the right decision for our future would be. So just take some time and think about it. REALLY think about what the most logical decision would be.
3. In any relationship you have to realize that you’re a team. Making decisions together, keeping each other accountable, and comforting each other, going through hard times. Everything comes down to team work. Because you can’t carry your burdens and hers, but if you share them you can go a lot farther. “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
4. You’re not going to like me for this one. But, it is you. You’re the one in charge of your decisions. These are your actions that are driving the love of your life away, and you simply need to man up. No girl, wants to be the “in charge” figure in the relationship. So put on your big boy panties, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and do something. Maybe start with the things that she’s been telling you…but that’s none of my business.
5. If you lose her, you will have lost the best thing that has ever happened to you, all because you weren’t willing to work a little harder. She’s been burned so many times before, but you know that. I just can’t stand to see her get hurt again. Just know, that if you work this out, she’ll stand by you through everything. She is willing to go to the end of the earth for you, are you willing to do the same?

Now I want you to do something. Imagine your life. Five years, ten years, twenty years down the road. How you want it to be, ideally. This is your imagination, you could have anything. You have that picture? Now how are you going to get there? Is it with her?

 

 

The Writers Allusion.

“It all started with a wish. A wish of what could be, a wish of what I wanted most dearly. This wish began years before I could ever hope that it could ever come true. It all began sitting on the grass starring as the sunset past the fountain as began to change its colors. The tears began to well up in my eyes, feeling the warm breeze play with my hair, watching the love that my parents share. I wished that one day I would return to the spot with the man of my dreams, and sit in complete silence, enjoying each other’s company in the best way. I prayed for him in that moment, as I felt lost and alone. I prayed that he would find peace and one day neither of us would ever feel that way.

My wish continued from that moment. I wished as I walked in the woods alone watching the sun play through the trees, finding my favorite spot and observing it quietly. Yearning for someone to appreciate the beauty I saw, I felt alone once more, and I prayed. That he wouldn’t be alone, watching the beauty of the world in the special way that only he could observe. As the years passed I walked the same path, and the face in my mind changed time after time, not knowing what the future would hold. I found an embrace in the loneliness I felt, knowing that in my solitude no one could be hurt, and no one would have to feel my own. I found new paths, but none quite like the one I foraged on my own.

I gave up on the man I never met. I forgot to think of him, as I did so longingly in year’s previous using my time alone in my walks and on trails to mask the pain of the moment, the guilt of the past, and the uncertainty of the future. However, my wish still remained in the stillness at the end of the day, watching the moon rise and the stars turn season after season.

The trials of life bombarding the present became too much for me to bear, coming to my secret places was never enough to hide the hurting I felt inside and the loneliness became too much to hide. It changed who I was and who I would become, but it made me ready for the moments that were yet to come.

I met a man in the crisp chill of autumn. A friend that I could trust, and a man that I grew to love. Our love only grew, and the wish that I wished years ago came true. We walked the paths I only dreamed of walking alone, he reveled in the beauty as I led him farther only to show him my favorite part. His smile I’ll never forget, but I knew that was not the moment.

Farther on down our path, we sat at the fountain in the same spot I did many years ago, and I couldn’t help but let the emotions of many memories grow up from my core. I couldn’t place the feeling as we walked over the bridge, as we held hands down the paths, but as I saw the place I felt alone, the world around me blurred. I had made it. I was no longer alone to face the joys and the griefs of life. I had found the man I thought I could never find. The man I thought would never be mine.

It all started with a wish, a prayer, and a thought, but the heart has not yet let on the beauty of each moment spent with him. The memoires I have with him could never be replaced, and I love him from this day on ward, till death do us embrace. “

I closed my notebook for the night, and put it away safely. I laid alone once more for the night, wishing for something only made up in fairy tales conjured in my head. The ink smear on my fingers the only evidence of the romance I long for, I curl up and shut off my light, feeling safe once more in my solitude. I look up at the stars through my second story window, and pray for the man that may or may not be out there. I close my eyes to only dream of him because only in dreams and on paper are where my wishes can finally become the reality for which I desperately desire.

Breathless

 

In that moment, the world cased to turn, the surrounding creatures held their breath, even the leaves stayed firmly secured on the branches, because all was suddenly right.

He met me half past seven in our normal spot. I didn’t hear him come up behind me while I was listening to my favorite song while starring at the lake taking in the beauty of the moment, forgetting previous engagements. We started to walk up the steep incline the leaves brisling under foot. We continued wordlessly until I asked where he was leading me. He told me of a place that few knew, and he trusted me enough to take me there. We arrived a few minutes later, a nook in the woods where you could see but others could not. I stood shivering as he told me of the stories of this spot, substances, and memories coinciding. He smiled and it caught my eye. The subject turned to teasing as we flirted recklessly. I reached over and poked him for taking the teasing slightly too far, so he poked back until we were both in a fit of laughter while holding each other close. We let go after realizing how close we had become and the conversation returned to the previous tempo. He asked if I was cold and obviously I was in the late fall in the woods of Wisconsin. He moved in my direction, and put his arms around me. he opened his coat so I could feel his warmth seep in through my thin hoodie. The darkness had already begun to fall around us, he informed me that in the next few minutes between sunset and darkness are the hardest for the eyes to adjust. I nestled into his shoulder taking in his scent and letting myself fall deeper into his warmth. He tilted his head down to meet mine as I rested my forehead against the bridge of his nose. My heart began to race as I felt the over whelming desire to tilt my head ever so slightly just for a kiss. I laid my head back down to his shoulder. I let my lips find the soft of his neck and I laid them there. Not to kiss but to touch. When I finally gathered the courage, my lips were just above his, and my heart was pounding faster, faster. In that moment, the world ceased to turn, the surrounding creature held their breath, even the leaves stayed firmly secured on their branches because in that moment before the kiss all was suddenly right. Only the sound of my heart beat growing faster was heard as our lips collided.

 

The Darkest of Moments

I walked and all I knew was that this feeling hurt. The feeling of a thousand memories coming to haunt. The feeling of a hundred emotions, hitting all at once. The weather was cool and I could feel the breeze in my hair as I walked down the rows of cars trying to find my own. I remembered his inability to remember direction and the way it felt to be in his arms. The knot in my stomach only grew more apparent until I reached my hiding place. I jumped inside and put my keys in the ignition. I placed my head on the steering wheel trying to let emotion flow through my body and out of my eyes, but the tears refused to come at my command. As I drove I could only remember the pain of saying goodbye, the happiness of each hello, and the soaring of each moment spent in his company. All of this became all I hold on to. All of this became all the hope I have of a better tomorrow, the trust that the sun still remains behind the bleak clouds ahead.

It hurt once more. The hopes of years ahead weighed heavily on my weary mind as the darkness overwhelmed my being.. The sound of silence, encouraged my heart to wonder as I drove and my eyes began to cloud my judgement. I began to speed faster, stuffing the emotions down hoping my heart would cease to feel the hurts of many years. Faster I speed through lights, past all cars in my way until a questionable turn was made. The silence was louder in that moment than any other, for in that moment it all stopped..

It hurt once more as I felt nothing. Staring at the splattered blood and cracked windshield, I felt nothing. Tears finally began to fall as each blink became longer. Seeing lights flash, and people rushing past. I finally closed my eyes, and I saw the people I love and once loved. She wished them well, falling down deep to hurting of what she once felt so deeply.

The Plea

With legs too fat and stomach too flat,

And evil scars to match the past.

Why can’t I get over this view?

The one that destroys me ,

But not you.

The tainted view of the perfect girl,

And the image I feel I must bare?

 

We all wish to be the girl we are not.

With perfect curves

And flawless lips

With unmarked arms

And narrow hips

With polished hair

And elongated legs

With bones of the starved

But didn’t I eat yesterday?

 

But we look in the mirror and all we see:

 

Endless rolls.

Chapped lips.

Jagged scars.

Thick hips

Unkempt hair.

Petit legs.

Bones of the obese

Although I have not eaten in days.

 

When will we see?

That the women we aspire to be

That this imaginary creature,

Controls all of our being.

 

Take me Away

This moment could last as eons go past, and I would look at him with the same adoration in my eyes. We pass the streets first Coffee then Main, I think. The lights sparkle in his eyes as he smiles down at me looking into mine. Down the steps tripping over a few, but maybe I was just too busy looking at him thinking he might disappear suddenly and this moment would be over. We run like children amidst the grassy plain to the amphitheater waiting just ahead. Reaching the center stage, I throw out my arms to quote, “To be, or not to be.” He patiently wait as I continue with a loud voice I am sure I have only heard in my head. I stop, smile, and bow when I am complete. He rushes to me with open arms spinning me as I giggle and shout for him to slow down. We stop in center stage kissing lightly. When suddenly I catch my opportunity to teach him how to dance. I smile with excitement, while putting my hand on his shoulder and the other in his hand. He looks at me quizzically, so I inform him of my plan. I count the steps and he tries to follow. We went into a spin, but as I came back to him, I dipped to the floor with his securing grasp. I lost all control of my knees and my breath as he kissed me once more, and proclaimed his love. He brought me back up with a boyish grin. He put his arms around me, and we swayed for a time knowing all too well that the time had come to say goodbye.

Breathe Me

Down the path I have tread many times. Down the hill, as music plays reminding me to breathe.

Breathe me

I take in a deep breath.

I try not to make a sound as I follow the path I always take. I stand on the doc wild and free.

Breathe me

I take my head phones off for a while and muse to myself. I laugh a bit while trying to figure out my own thoughts.

Breathe me.

Tension released in my core, but only for a second.

Breathe me.

I replace the music in my ears, and walk further unable to stand still.

Breathe me.

I want to run. I want to hide. I want to be exposed in all ways, so maybe someone might know me.

Breathe me.

The trees have long since lost their leaves and the snow covers the ground crunching under every foot fall.

Breathe me.

The cold sinks to my bones, chilling every part of me, yet fueling my fire to walk, to write, to create things that have never been created.

Breathe me.

Seeking to be known in a place all alone.

The Different.

The car pulls up to a nameless building as I sink down into my hoodie deeper. My mom parks the car, and I sit as if I don’t notice. She sighs, and looks at me.

“You know you have to do this.” She reminds me.

I reach for the door, while saying “I know.” I quickly exit the car and head for the entrance. I shove my nerves down and enter with confidence. They have no reason to see me down. I follow the signs and enter the room. It looks exactly how you might imagine. A circle of chairs filled with people. One girl whose shoes are amazing! I like that kid’s haircut, but my mom would never let me. Sorry, distracted. I find a good place and a lady who looks like she’s in charge looks at me a smiles.

“All right, now that we are all here, let’s get started gang.” She announces obviously too cheery.

We all stare blankly at her. Then she begins again, “Okay then.” She looks at me.

Oh no. please do not direct the attention to me. Not me.  I shrink in my chair.

She looks down at her clip board then back at me. “Would you like to stand and tell us your name, and why you are here. “

I look at her, and blatantly say, “No.” everyone looks at me alarmed, and I can tell that she is not amused. So I stand.

“HI.” I begin with that odd side-hand wave. Why did I do that? I shake my head. “I’m Aiden, and I’m addicted to music.” I feel the need to explain myself further. “It’s just, that every time I put my earbuds in, it’s amazing. With the volume loud and the lyrics to my favorite songs, I could listen for hours on end. The music is inspiring to go out and do something with your life, to be different, and stand up for good.”

The instructor clears her throat. “All right. That’s enough. Moving on to—“

She continues but I stop listening. Why are they all so afraid to stand up and be someone? It’s not hard to live life outside the box. She talks about how being different is not acceptable, how we are to strive to simply be one piece of the whole seeking for the betterment of our community, and how our addictions are very real, but they must be vanquished. The more she talks the angrier I get. When I cannot stand her speech any longer I stand. Fists clenched as if ready to take on the world single handedly.

“How can you say this? Being different is just as important as being normal. Society needs both of these extremes to function. These things that we struggle with are not “addictions” they are simply things that we enjoy, things that inspire us, things that make us better as people because we find things besides our work that we love. Sometimes I wake up every morning happy and ready for life simply because my favorite song began to play. This music is my life, these people are my people, and I will stand against anyone who begs to differ. Why be Normal, when you could be weird?”

Lost Shells.

Walking across the beach admiring the beauty of the water and the waves crashing, I begin to ponder.  How the ocean is life filled with things unknown. The depth of the oceans are not fully known, nor am I or anyone for that matter. I could sit for ages thinking and musing of such a wonderful thing. The waves crash on the beach as the sun peaks through the clouds ever so slightly. I begin to walk. Tripping over the shells, I notice how all of them are broken into pieces. I now realize that these shells are like people. The shells are just a piece of the whole. They have been tossed and broken apart by this oceans and the full shell will never be found again, yet the pieces in and of themselves are still beautiful. Who am I to judge the original shell when all that lies before me simply a part of the whole?

The shells of our lives are broken apart sometimes just by life itself. Our pieces are judged and thrown back into the ocean because we are not whole enough to take home, but no one knows our journey. Our journey from the depths, and how we hit rock upon rock and were broken numerous times. No one knows of our inhibitors, but we do. We are bogged down by the past that is only ours. We are judged by the pieces that are left exposed.

 

Sunset

There comes a time in life when you finally realize everything is all right and even when you look behind you can smile knowing it’s been a while. The sadness of nostalgia is lost knowing that you have changed beyond your wildest imagination and that’s ok. Your fears melt away, knowing that it’s time for a change of scenery. However, you no longer have the same mind set, and just because you go back to a place where so much happened it doesn’t mean you change back into the person you were when it happened. Your heart no longer hurts for the young you now disappointed, but it aches for the new experiences you can share with the people you love.  Relapsing becomes less of an issue when happiness is accepted and moving on has been embraced long ago. Now the time has come to return, yet you are no longer in the frame of mind, yet accepting that there will be days when it comes rushing back slowly at first then all at once. The sun has set on the person you once were, and even the person you once aspired to be. However, the possibilities are endless for the future, so we must look forward. Always.